The £15 Biker Jacket

Pleather biker jacket and snood, both Primark

Primark has always reminded me a bit of Dante’s Inferno. It might sound like I’m making loose analogies just to take the piss, but bear with me. Both have many levels, all with their separate tortures; both have wild beasts roaming them, on the hunt for fresh meat; they have aimless wanderers too, people who don’t quite understand where they are or how they got there in the first place; and they both seem to exist outside of space and time. An hour inside them can seem like a hundred years, and if you’re not careful, you’ll probably faint from the heat, get trapped underneath some rubble and have other aimless wanderers treading on you for eternity.

But you can’t get a £15 biker jacket in Dante’s Inferno. You could get one made of wilderbeast, maybe, if you killed it yourself. Or you could steal something cool off Cleopatra (she’ll be on the level for adulterers, I should think *presses for the elevator*) but you’d have to fight her for it. So best get to Primark while you can and start practising your powerslam.

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