things aren't as pretty on the inside

Sometimes my mind is dark. Sometimes it is twisted. There are parts of my nature that I think I might always have to apologise for to some extent, simply because they are politically incorrect. To me, the line between fear and fantasy is very thin, and sometimes non-existent. The things I am drawn to in literature, art, and music can be quite disturbing to some people, especially those who aren’t as emotionally masochistic as I am. In my real life I am a very extreme person, always pushing things as far as they will go before they snap.  It is hard for me to explain the pleasure I get from going to the edge of my own limits, my own sanity, my own humanity – or in seeing someone else go to the edge of theirs, through a painting or a song or a novel. When artists express something that, I can tell, has come from some raw, primordial part of them, I am always pleased – it doesn’t matter whether I think it is beautiful or not. It simply IS. I enjoy forcing myself to look at what is inside of other people, even if it makes me want to run. It is how I learn about human nature. I want to be that brave.

We all have things in our head that we cannot admit, even to ourselves – but I don’t want that to be true. If I could do one thing with my life, and only one thing, I would want to find a way to take every evil thought I have ever had, and every beautiful thought I have ever had, and throw them together in some hideous, perfect marriage, until they were inseparable, conjoined, merged. And then I would make everyone look. Because then they would understand.

Thank you to everyone who gave their thoughts about my last post. I’m working on a follow-up that will be slightly darker – but only because it will be closer to my core. It will not in any way represent my ideas about sexuality or love in general. There will be no separation between the parts taken from my dreams and the parts taken from my worst nightmares. It is just me, spewing my guts up, for everyone to see. If you don’t want to look, then just don’t. High-fashion, it ain’t.


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