This is my first post with my new camera. It’s an intimidatingly beautiful Canon 60D, and it came with a manual that is about the same size as To Kill A Mockingbird. It’s going to take me some trial and error before I get used to using it, and loads of the pictures I’ve taken since I got it are wobbly (there are about 127580323478539 possible combinations of settings, and I have very shaky hands), and these pictures aren’t the right size for me, but nevertheless it feels amazing to finally have a proper camera again and get started on rebooting my blog. I’ve missed blogging so much the last couple of months. I want to make more time for it this spring. I know it feeds my soul and helps me stay sane. Being in a relationship with someone I love this way is so new and wonderful, but I really wasn’t prepared for how much of my energy a boyfriend would take up (sorry darling, if you’re reading. Love you!) and how strong the hold of a couple-bubble can be. When we’re together, it feels like such a mammoth effort to even leave his arms to go to the fucking bathroom, let alone create a blog post. You could say happiness is not a very creative state for me; I become soft, giggly, lazy, wasteful, reckless, absorbed in my lover. I lose that painful drive of questioning and unrest that pushes me to make things. So much of my art and writing springs from a sense of separateness. I need my mind to be independent, free, in order to create. And there is nothing independent about my current state. So sometimes I am caught between my heart’s desire to merge, and my mind’s need for separateness.
In other news, the blog that I write for, THE LE SIGH, was mentioned in the February issue of Dazed and Confused, in an amazing article about cyberfeminism and the girls at the forefront of a new wave of female art and culture. A lot of the women/companies featured in it are people that I’ve interviewed myself or interacted with as part of my job at TLS, so you can understand why it’s really, really exciting for me. Please do pick up a copy if you can. And if you’d like to read an article about Bunny Collective that TLS has done with Dazed Digital, you can find it here.
I started working on a novel recently (as some of you who follow me on Instagram or Twitter will already have seen) and that needs time and commitment too. I see it fully-formed, crystalline, in my mind’s eye. I feel as though it is a beast running around inside my head, wanting me to chase it.
In other news, it was my birthday recently. I turned 23. I feel older than the stars.