Sometimes I want to be like the moon, and turn my face to someone I love so that I can bathe in their warmth, their desire, and reflect it back to them without ever having to say a word. I wish that there was a way to make myself stop giving, stop trying to make everything easy for other people, and just let things die, if that is what they would do without my tending. Sometimes it feels as if, without my effort – without my constant straining to keep things alive, and growing – all the men I truly care for would allow (or have allowed) everything between us to fade away and eventually become lost, like a wish blown through a dandelion head. It is only when I lose my patience, when I want to tear it all up into tiny, irretrievable pieces, that they take my hands and lead me away from such destruction. Then they behave as if I were being hysterical - as if it were ridiculous that I should not simply FEEL how much they care about me without them ever having to show it.
I am a little ashamed to admit that I have spent a large portion of my time around people I did not really love, purely because they loved me, and I could feel it. Living your life under a canopy of adoration can be like living in fairy-land; you lose track of time, you know that there was something important you were supposed to be doing with your life but you can’t quite recall what it was…because all that matters is that you don’t have to work so hard anymore. You can relax. You are safe.
Maybe there is always a lover and a beloved. It certainly feels that way sometimes, when I am struggling to get anything close to the reaction that I want out of someone. On an intellectual level, of course, I understand that in order to do the things he has done for me, the man I am thinking of as I write this must care for me in some way. But understanding something on an intellectual level does not help when two people are trying to see if they can be together without causing the other heartache. You have to come to some kind of agreement – I will not let you burn yourself out with loving me. I will take over before you get too tired.
Nothing factually significant has happened since my last post, these are just the thoughts I have been living with for the past week. Really they have nothing to do with this one man. I am not entirely sure if I even want him. But there is something at stake here, I feel, even if it is just in my own mind. The only way it can continue is if I learn to be like the moon, and he does not let me grow cold when I do.